Truck Horn

I read a story the other day about a man who had trouble with the horn on his truck. It seems that the danged thing developed a mind of its own and honked randomly, often at the most importune times. Luckily he lived out in the country and about the only problems his horn malfunction stirred up was disturbing his neighbors and causing horn-trained livestock to be disappointed that it wasn’t feeding time as they’d become trained to expect.

This got me to thinking about what would happen if the horn on my truck suddenly developed this same malady. I imagine that I’d have a lot more worries to deal with than just disturbed neighbors and disappointed cows.

I can see me sitting in line at a traffic signal, waiting for the green light behind some ol’ boy in one of those jacked-up, 4x4 pickups with a gun rack full of firepower in the rear window, when all of the sudden the horn on my truck decided to do a number and honked 4 or 5 times on its own----reckon he’d just smile and wave?

How about sitting waiting for a funeral procession to pass and just when the motorcycle cop escort passes in front of me the horn decides to do its number? I’m sure he’d think that I was just paying my last respects to the dearly departed.

You know the prostitutes and dope dealers that show up on street corners around town occasionally would really appreciate the attention they received if my horn honked when I passed them. I’m sure they’d smile and wave thinking I was one of their friends. Yeah right, the only wave I’d likely get was a pistol waving in my direction.

These are just a few of the many unfortunate situations that could arise should my horn catch whatever malady I read about. I sure hope it ain’t contagious. I think I’ll check out my horn just in case……. Well, I checked out my horn and everything seemed to be in order, at least it tooted when I pushed the button and quit when I let up, so I guess everything is working okay.

Now thinking about all this horn stuff has got me really concerned. First I was worried that the stupid thing would start honking when it’s not supposed to, but after giving it some more thought, I’m now concerned that the damned thing might be close to running out of honks. Does anybody know how many honks a horn is supposed to have in it? They’re electric/mechanical devices so there’s bound to be a finite number of toots in each one. Is there some kind of warning when they’re approaching their last toot?

I’m really not a honker. I can count on the fingers of both hands the times I’ve actually used the horn to signal while driving, probably on one hand if you don’t count the times I honked for Miss Edie so I didn’t have to go in the house and get her and the times I’ve accidentally pushed the panic button on my key chain while sitting down at the watering hole.

The thing that has me worried is the smart-assed automatic lock system on my truck toots the horn twice to let me know when it’s locked and if it didn’t toot, I wouldn’t know if it was locked or not. In fact, I’m not sure if it will even lock without tooting.

Dog Lawyer

It looks like Harriet Miers’ nomination for Supreme Court Justice is going to be another hootenanny rigmarole. The liberals think she’s too conservative and the conservatives think she’s too liberal. The press doesn’t like her because she’s President Bush’s choice and the ACLU doesn’t like anybody very much. She’s a lawyer and has never been a judge and she’s a woman, but not Hispanic or black or something.  And all this was before any hearings had started.

Y’all know I rarely write anything political here and that’s not the reason I mentioned Miss Miers’ nomination. I think that in the event that this thing gets all balled up like it appears to be heading and she either withdraws or is defeated for the nomination, there is a possibility I may get a big start on my sack full for retirement.

In case the need arises, I’m making myself available as a candidate for Supreme Court Justice. Since there are no formal qualifications for the position, I figure I’m as qualified as anyone, and probably better qualified than many.

In my 65 years I’ve been a democrat, republican, independent, libertarian, liberal and conservative, so there should be something for everybody to like or dislike. I’m a retired senior citizen, gun owner, former serviceman, homeowner and resident of a red state who drives a SUV. I was raised a Southern Baptist and have also attended Pentecostal, Catholic, Episcopal, Methodist and many other churches, depending on the girl I was courting at the time.

Although I don’t have any formal judicial experience, I’ve been behind the bar as a bartender and stood at the bar many hundreds of times, plus the fact I was president of the Cowpot Assn. for many years and in that capacity had to adjudicate many disputes, often between parties who were too inebriated to know or understand the facts. My years of experience as a salesman give me the ability to bend people to my way of thinking when necessary.

I’ve had no formal training in law, although I did take two courses in business law in college---I think I passed them. I do have experience as a dog lawyer. I represented my dogs at three different trials in municipal court and won all three.

Apart from the lack of legal experience, I think I could hold my own up there as a Supreme Court Justice. I’ve read and even studied the Constitution of the United States and I’m sure those justices have beaucoup of lawyers running around up there to research the cases and do most of that other legal stuff.

I even have a black bathrobe, so the government wouldn’t be out the expense of buying one for me if I should be selected.

That about wraps up my qualifications, so if any of you have contacts up in Washington you might pass along the fact that I’m available.

In the meantime, if you need any unofficial help on Dog Lawyering, just give me a call.

More Profound Wisdom

Since the likelihood of my being selected as the Supreme Court Justice nominee is about 1000 miles beyond remote at best, I better stick with doing something which might accidentally have a chance of getting me a sack full for my retirement. The 1000 Pearls of Profound Wisdom we’ve been working on during the last month seems to be moving right along. Y’all have been doing your part reading and passing them along and I’ve managed to find 100 of them rolling around among the dead brain cells to date. (Y’all keep the emails coming telling me how you like or don’t like them and keep forwarding my stuff to your friends and relatives, especially the ones who are rich and influential…if nothing else they can print them out for bird cage or gerbil cage liners or for emergency use in the bathroom.)

“1000 Pearls of Profound Wisdom”  (Continued)

101.                    If you exercise daily it’s supposed to make you stronger, more flexible and nicer to be around. They didn’t say what’s likely to happen if you don’t exercise daily, but personally I think there’s a lot to be said for sitting around, drinking beer and eating snacks…but then, that’s just my opinion.

102.                    Be very careful when you’re licking stamps and take a break after every 50 or so. Too many licks give you a terrible case of the dry tongue and when you whistle, it comes out talcum powder.

103.                    Folks say that you get more patience as you get older, but I think it’s just that there are fewer things you give a damn about.

104.                    People who throw their used chewing gum in parking lots or on sidewalks or other places where folks are likely to step in it and track it into their vehicles or homes are pure-dee assholes who probably do other disgusting things too. Stay away from them.

105.                    Spending too much time on the computer will make your eyes glow in the dark---a flickering, whitish blue. Really.

106.                    Unless you are highly allergic to them, if you get a bee or wasp or some other stinging insect in your truck try to just ignore it until you can pull over to the side of the road and let it out. It’ll hurt a little bit if it happens to sting you, but it’ll hurt a helluva lot more if you have a big-assed wreck trying to fight the damned thing and drive at the same time.

107.                    Two of the ingredients that make farts stink, scatole and indole, are also used in expensive perfumes. I know some ol’ boys down at the beer joint that ought to be worth a bunch of money.

108.                    Experts tell me that it is far, far better to have loved and lost than to live with an asshole the rest of your life.

109.                    Among the many titles I’ve held over the years the two weirdest are Sultan of the Great Ocean and Devil of the Crows. We won’t discuss how or where I acquired these.

110.                    Remember when you have trouble with demons in your life and seek the help of an exorcist that you must pay him upon completion of the exorcism or you’ll be repossessed.

111.                    To make the best of a social faux pax, try to imagine how funny the situation you’re in would be if it were happening to someone else or in a movie. Life’s too short to get uptight about things, so don’t get your panties in a knot.

112.                    Try not to capitalize french, yankee or other words like that. They don’t deserve the respect. The Germans are getting pretty close themselves.

113.                    According to stories I’ve read that are attributed to Moises Alou, it’s a good idea to wash your hands after meeting a baseball player and shaking hands. Supposedly, many baseball players regularly piss on their hands thinking that it toughens them for batting. Come to think of it baseball players are a lot like the boys down at the beer joint except I don’t think the boys objective is to toughen their hands.

114.                    It’s easy to have a body like a god… Buddha is a god and Hotei, the Japanese god of children, is even bigger in girth than him.

115.                    Don’t ever let anyone tell you I’m a complete idiot. There are several parts missing, and that’s not even counting the brain cells I’ve killed with alcohol.

116.                    Remember when setting out on your career path, hard work has a big payoff in the future. Of course laziness has its rewards too, if you can get away with it.

117.                    Never buy anything that’s priced “two for one”. All that means is whatever it is was way overpriced to start with and they’re trying to get the shit out of their inventory because it’s not worth even half what they’re asking.

118.                    When something has a “lifetime warranty”, always find out just which lifetime the warranty applies to. Is it the product lifetime, your lifetime or whoever’s lifetime happens to be convenient at the time? It probably means that it is warranted to last until you get it home and the damn thing breaks.

119.                    When on a job interview it’s not a good idea to challenge the interviewer to arm wrestle. He probably won’t be too impressed if you beat him and if he beats you, it makes you look kind of wimpy.

And Other Misguided Thoughts

A meeting of the Council on Misguided Thoughts has determined that due to the plethora of misguided thoughts expressed in the preceding parts of this epistle, that any more misguided thoughts at this time would be superfluous and more than enough to cause both oral and cranial regurgitation, in short there ain’t gonna be no more misguided thoughts in this offering.

It is suggested if this causes a problem for you that you send a nice email to somebody in authority who actually gives a damn. At this time I’m unable to recommend anyone qualified for the task. You might try Dial-A- Prayer if you know the number. I’ve heard that there are bartenders who specialize in this type counseling, especially if you’re a young attractive female. Of course, I seriously doubt that you’d be reading this if you’re a young attractive female, but you never can tell.

My Pledge: